I awoke today in a strange but familiar funk. From time to time I have strange dreams that leave a glaze or residue on my day. It can be frustrating to have this experience, that you have no control over, color your waking hours. And often times after coming round and remembering these midnight memories, I know that I am in for a battle on this particular day. This is a sign, a signal, that something is afoot. See, I believe the dreams are significant in a march larger way. They are a puzzle piece to a much larger attack I must endure. Call me strange or fanatical if you like, but I believe these dreams and the ensuing battle throughout my day to capture my thoughts and rend my heart into a posture of humility–these things are part of a larger spiritual battle.
May, 2009
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May 09
The War of One
From my experience I’ve come to understand that one of the greatest battles that people fight is 
against themselves. As a Christian I believe there is a conflict between that which is good and evil. I am a house divided against
its self. I ought to desire that which is holy and on days I long for the most uncleanly things. I desire to love others and so frequently find I only love myself. We are called to lay our lives down for others and yet I so often awake to the distracting urge to serve myself. We ought to praise God and my first instinct is to praise myself. Forgiveness is one of the very pillars of the faith and I find myself vengeful and vindictive.
We as a people, a body (Christians as a whole), are to preserve and build up those things that are good and often times we have been the instigator of evil. We are many called to be one and so often we selfishly divided ourselves. We are to give joyfully to those in need and we at times force them to qualify and quantify their need. The body is told to build on solid foundations of rock, and we build and build and build-we do. Magnificent towering things we construct only to look down and find the sand beneath our feet is shifting. We have built, apart from the blessing of God.
And as we confront these things, as we come face to face with the ugliness of man, we must come to the same conclusion as the Apostle Paul: that while we long to do what is good, there is also within us a part that longs to do evil [Romans 7]. Despite our purest desires we find “evil lies close at hand”. Writing in response to an editorial he read in the newspaper with the head line “What’s Wrong with the World Today”, a well known author wrote back: “In regard to your question ‘what’s wrong with the world today’…I am. Sincerely yours…” Christians are not above reproach; we are what is wrong with the world as much as anyone else. We may desire to and even do great works at times but we are just as wretched as the whole lot.
To borrow from Eliot, it is here in this moment of conflict that Love, comes riding on a horse. In this moment of internal contradiction we find ourselves asking as Paul did, “who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!” For what hopeless creatures are we if when given the Truth we still find that we are enslaved to ourselves, our bodies, and its dark desires. Even those of unbelief-the un-churched, de-churched, and otherwise experience this.
I recall in the early years of my college career desiring good, as best I could while still being of selfish motives. I longed to care for others and be the one to listen to their problems. I wanted to be someone who gave life to others-whom others wanted to be around. I wanted to help those in need. And I continued to find that despite my hardest efforts, I was the very thing keeping me from becoming those things. This is a truth revealed to all in creation, not merely those who are found in Christ.
In light of these things, I believe this conflict should inspire two paths of response. First, the unbeliever or the skeptic should find within him a stronger desire, almost a hunger, to further investigate and understand that point of conflict within him (that while we may desire to do good, we consistently battle ourselves and own desires…putting ourselves before others, even the people we love most). For it is apathy to do nothing when you see within yourself an obstacle between what your moral heart tells you that you ought to be and where you find yourself to truly be.
Second, I believe this conflict should spur Christ followers to anxiously desire and long for the return of Christ, for it only the Rapture that will free us from the law of sin and its battle within us. This conflict should also ignite in us a longing to be nearer to the presence of God in the word (the very thing that has so clearly brought this conflict to light) and in prayer. We are not to merely experience this and passively wait upon freedom. For God has purposed these things into our existence to draw us nearer to him-to cause a panting in our soul for the presence of God. These feelings of conflict and turmoil are to spur us to action that we might further attain the righteousness portrayed by Christ as we actively await his return.
Scripture:
Romans 7:
15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Romans 8:
22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we a wait for it with patience.
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May 09
I’m a phony…
I’m a Christian and I must confess: sometimes I use words I don’t understand, at least fully; words like
righteousness, faith, peace. As I’m writing this I’m trying to think of how I would define these words without merely invoking some vague ideas capped with the almost rhetorical question, “do you know what I mean?”
I notice in conversations that I meander at times, nickel and dime-ing my way to and from these ten dollar words. My hope is that my captive audience will gain some vague notion of what I mean. As I’m doing this, the person I’m speaking with emphatically nods their head in agreement. Yet I fear this person probably walks away feeling like what I said was dead on but not quite able to tell their roommate what we talked about.
As someone venturing into full time college ministry, this doubt or question begins to stagger into my thoughts:
am I really qualified to do this?
Not by any professional standards–certainly not. Let’s see, I became a Christian in ’06. I was involved with campus ministry for 2 years as a student. I have a measly degree in Psychology. No paid work experience. There are hundreds if not thousands of people more qualified than me. People who have been Christians their whole lives. People who have actually read the entire Bible, I haven’t even read the entire Old Testament yet!
But I feel led here.
?
Despite these doubts, I am on staff with Cru, a local ministry here in Bowling Green. See, ministry, and Christian life in general, are a funny thing. People who have little experience and often times no skills are told–no they’re admonished–to go out and share their faith with the world–and they change lives. High school and college students, young and green in they’re faith, are raised up and sent out on mission trips all over the country and the world to share their faith. They feel led.
There is a story in the bible about a guy named Moses, everyone knows this story…Charleton Heston–”let my people go” right? But God comes to Moses, telling him that he will be God’s mouth to the Hebrew people and lead them out of slavery to a land long promised to their ancestors. To this, Moses quickly replies something to the effect of, “with all do respect, I can’t do that…do you know me? I don’t speak well, I have a stutter, and besides I just can’t.” God then presses in on Moses and says, “of course you can, and of course I know you, I made you–and all living things for that matter. You can do it Moses, because I AM with you, I will give you the words and blaze the trail.” [Exodus]
While Moses is the one who led the Hebrew people out of slavery and delivered them to the doorstep of this promised land, its not really he who did it. Moses, in and of himself, had little to do with it. God made certain that his own fingerprints were all over this story: seven plagues, splitting an entire sea in half, a sky-high pillar of smoke and fire…
So as doubt creeps up, as this potentially crippling question of ability staggers in I hold fast in the words of Jesus [matthew 28]. As the prophet Isaiah says, “Upon a watchtower I stand, O Lord,
continually by day, and at my post I am stationed whole nights.” I stand with the word of God compelling me forward–serving as a reminder that I have but to go and HE will do the rest.
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
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May 09
My Journey, of late.
A prehistoric swamp turned small farming town turned college burg is where I make my home. 25 miles south of the old Glass City, Bowling Green Ohio has become very dear to me. I journeyed here in 2002 to 
attend university where I planned to get a B. A. in Psychology and go on to grad-school. That was then and this is now. I’ve since graduated with a Psychology degree but I’m on a very different path than I might ever had imagined 7 years ago.
I’m currently gearing up to work with [Cru] a campus ministry found here at Bowling Green State University. I will be working with [Cru] here in B. G. for the foreseeable future connecting and journeying with college students as they decide who they are continually becoming. There is nothing like it I’m certain and there is no more crucial time in a young man or woman’s life. I must be a part of it.
If you’d like to know a little bit more about [Cru] you can vistit BGCru.com. There is a ton of media content, short talks on life and spirituality, and current updates on the ministry; all produced by the staff and students here in Bowling Green.